You Might Be On The Flight From Hell If...
NOTE: Originally posted on July 10, 2006 on DrunkBlogger.com.
For this blog, imagine that I’m doing a really bad Jeff Foxworthy impression (I’m not a Jeff Foxworthy fan. I mean, he’s alright, but come on - I’m too pimp for that shit.):
You might be on the flight from hell if….
This kid started with the usual annoying-kid-on-flight antics: talking a lot, playing Gameboy and asking the guy on my left questions about the game every 2 seconds and of course, asking every 5 minutes, “How long have we been in the air?”
That kind of stuff is granted. You can’t blame a kid for being a kid. But…after that, it pretty much turned to psychosis. This kid is a future criminal.
He started talking about how much he likes violence and how it was his middle name. He referred to video games and how much he likes killing people in them. Randomly througout the flight, he would talk about plane crashes and plane crashes in his flight simulation games and how much blood would be spilled from the passengers during the crashes. I’m not making this stuff up. This kid was insane. I don’t need to see the remake of “Omen.” It was sitting right next to me.
He continued to talk about other things he did in his video games…stuff that is so bad, I won’t even mention it in this blog in fear of getting tracked down by the government. Let’s just say, he mentioned “explosives,” (no seriously, I’m not using the “b” word and getting arrested by Homeland Security) Washington, D.C. and a certain leader of our country all in the same story about his video game and what he did with his bomber plane. The kid was nuts and only in 3rd grade. There is a lot more he said but it was a 4 hour flight. You get the point about Junior Manson. Had he been an adult saying this stuff on a plane, they would have landed, and he would be in jail.
He got crazier as the flight went on and I came to find out, via the flight attendant, that the kid was off his medication and was due for another dose. But when the flight attendant brought him water to take it, of course he didn’t, and just acted like he did. So I had to deal with the kid who went from annoying to criminally psychotic in a matter of hours. By this time he kept showing off his boxing and kickboxing moves, fighting the air, talking about how much he likes to fight at school and how he told his teacher to “fuck off” when she reached for the phone to call the principal…and how she supposedly listened to him because she didn’t want to mess with him.
To top it all off, as we landed, he chanted, “Crash! Crash! Crash!” and talked about how we weren’t really “that high up,” and that since he got 6 stitches around his eye and didn’t go blind, he was pretty sure that he could survive a plane crash.
Insane.
After all of this, I had to take an hour shuttle to where my car was parked.
What was supposed to be a 9:25 AM arrival in LA for me turned intoa 4:20 PM arrival…just in time to get ready for work.
So all in all, I think you can tell how shitty my travel experience was. Also, you might be a redneck if your family tree doesn’t fork. Somehow, I believe in my heart, that this whole blog and it’s Jeff Foxworthy theme ties in together and makes sense. And because of that fact…I’m going to hit the “publish” button…and I’m going to hit the “publish” button right…now.
Drunk Blogger, the nonsensical version of Brian Laesch that makes more sense than regular Brian Laesch.
For this blog, imagine that I’m doing a really bad Jeff Foxworthy impression (I’m not a Jeff Foxworthy fan. I mean, he’s alright, but come on - I’m too pimp for that shit.):
You might be on the flight from hell if….
1. You get 1 hour of sleep, arriving at the airport in Indianapolis at 7:00 AMAlright, let’s drop this Jeff Foxworthy format for the rest of the story. (As if it was really working. As if you were really buying it and as if you had even thought about it past the first line of this blog.) Have you ever met a kid that is so bad, that you really want to fight, his parents (since you can’t beat up a little kid of course…even though it may have been the best remedy for this kid)?
for your 8:00 AM flight.
2. You board your 8:00 AM flight, already feeling
pretty miserable at 7:45 AM.
3. You arrive at your seat to find that your
window seat request has not been granted and you are sitting bitch.
4. You
sit, very crowded in the middle seat, falling in and out of sleep, for an hour,
until the pilot makes an announcement.
5. The airplane did not undergo
maintenance the night before. There is a problem with the engine and it is
mysteriously leaking. Everybody please exit the plane and return to the gate for
further instructions.
6. After about an hour, falling in and out of sleep
again, and not knowing what’s going on, you find out that they have found the
part of the plane that they need to replace locally in Indianapolis and it
should be fixed and ready to go by 12:30 PM.
7. You get $25 flight vouchers,
$10 for food in the airport and finally board the same plane again at 12:30
PM. Besides the uneasy feeling of boarding the same plane that had engine
trouble - everything is now fine. The flight from Hell is over…or is
it?
8. You get seated in the same middle seat, even though you are
the biggest person in the row. But not only that…you get seated next to
the worst 3rd Grader who has ever lived (who was traveling by himself).
This kid started with the usual annoying-kid-on-flight antics: talking a lot, playing Gameboy and asking the guy on my left questions about the game every 2 seconds and of course, asking every 5 minutes, “How long have we been in the air?”
That kind of stuff is granted. You can’t blame a kid for being a kid. But…after that, it pretty much turned to psychosis. This kid is a future criminal.
He started talking about how much he likes violence and how it was his middle name. He referred to video games and how much he likes killing people in them. Randomly througout the flight, he would talk about plane crashes and plane crashes in his flight simulation games and how much blood would be spilled from the passengers during the crashes. I’m not making this stuff up. This kid was insane. I don’t need to see the remake of “Omen.” It was sitting right next to me.
He continued to talk about other things he did in his video games…stuff that is so bad, I won’t even mention it in this blog in fear of getting tracked down by the government. Let’s just say, he mentioned “explosives,” (no seriously, I’m not using the “b” word and getting arrested by Homeland Security) Washington, D.C. and a certain leader of our country all in the same story about his video game and what he did with his bomber plane. The kid was nuts and only in 3rd grade. There is a lot more he said but it was a 4 hour flight. You get the point about Junior Manson. Had he been an adult saying this stuff on a plane, they would have landed, and he would be in jail.
He got crazier as the flight went on and I came to find out, via the flight attendant, that the kid was off his medication and was due for another dose. But when the flight attendant brought him water to take it, of course he didn’t, and just acted like he did. So I had to deal with the kid who went from annoying to criminally psychotic in a matter of hours. By this time he kept showing off his boxing and kickboxing moves, fighting the air, talking about how much he likes to fight at school and how he told his teacher to “fuck off” when she reached for the phone to call the principal…and how she supposedly listened to him because she didn’t want to mess with him.
To top it all off, as we landed, he chanted, “Crash! Crash! Crash!” and talked about how we weren’t really “that high up,” and that since he got 6 stitches around his eye and didn’t go blind, he was pretty sure that he could survive a plane crash.
Insane.
After all of this, I had to take an hour shuttle to where my car was parked.
What was supposed to be a 9:25 AM arrival in LA for me turned intoa 4:20 PM arrival…just in time to get ready for work.
So all in all, I think you can tell how shitty my travel experience was. Also, you might be a redneck if your family tree doesn’t fork. Somehow, I believe in my heart, that this whole blog and it’s Jeff Foxworthy theme ties in together and makes sense. And because of that fact…I’m going to hit the “publish” button…and I’m going to hit the “publish” button right…now.
Drunk Blogger, the nonsensical version of Brian Laesch that makes more sense than regular Brian Laesch.
posted by BrianLaesch.com at 1:03 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home