This is My Old Blog

The new blog can be found here: BrianLaesch.com.

Thanks,

Brian

I'm a Professional Alternate Juror

In case any of you were wondering, I've finally found my calling: Professional Los Angeles Criminal Court Alternate Juror. I am so good. Nobody takes there temporary, one week-long job more serious than me. I take the best meaningless notes; I sit in the hallway while the real jury deliberates better than any unlucky person in Los Angeles; and I'm unbelievably talented when it comes to saying exactly the right things, to not only get screwed over by being selected to a jury, but to become an alternate juror, where I can't even vote on the case, but have to be there everyday. I take my job very seriously. It's my civil duty, or civic duty, or my Honda Civic, or some shit.

Inconceivable, man. Could I get any luckier? I've been out of work all week, after being selected to be an alternate juror on a trial in downtown Los Angeles. Being an "alternate juror" is really, really, really important. I get to be there all week, but do nothing! I get to "play" juror, but I'm not really "in" the jury. It's so sweet. I might as well be wearing Osh Kosh B'Gosh red corduroy overalls and playing with Ninja Turtles action figures while I'm in the jury box. When addressing me, they should call recess "nap time." I shouldn't be in the jury box. I should be sitting in a fucking sandbox right under the judge, building sand castles and bugging the court reporter. So ridiculous. When the jury went into deliberation today, I got to sit in the hallway, as if I had just gotten in trouble for snapping Sally Jenkenheimer's bra strap in 8th grade! (That never happened.) Awesome!

But the best part? I have to go back Monday morning! SuperMarioBrothers! I have to frickin' (and I type "frickin" with the highest verbosity possible, or something) be there at 8:30 a.m. and just to sit on a cold stone bench in a hallway that reminds me of the movie The Shining (I don't know why, but it does) until these idiots come up with the obvious verdict that should have taken 5 minutes today.

Oh well... I guess a week's worth of 6:00 p.m. depression, for no apparent reason, is good for the chicken soup. I can't take it much longer though, and I know one thing: next time I make it onto a panel of potential jurors, I'm going to lie my ass off, or say tell them that these blogs are my primary source of income and claim "financial hardship." Because, fuck this shit.

PRESS RELEASE

Somebody once asked me, "Brian Laesch, how is it that you are so good at feeding your ego via Myspace? I wish I was as cool as you." Well Tila Tequilla...it's quite simple. I do stuff like this:
Here is a press release that is about to drop ya'll. It features me, in regards to a new site SMS.AC. Check it out. Here is my profile. And here is the press release:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Aspiring Writer/Film Maker Gets More Than Just Exposure on SMS.ac

San Diego, CA- February 15, 2007 – Brian Laesch of Hollywood, California is not following the typical Hollywood process of gaining exposure for his short films. Instead, Laesch discovered a new and innovative process to earn money and gain exposure, simply by uploading his short films on SMS.ac. [http://www.sms.ac/profile/NewCustomProfile.aspx?u=brianlaesch1819].

His videos, titled "Webcam Murder Series", are being streamed online around the world using a pay-per-view system developed by SMS.ac and are available to their member base of 50 million film & video enthusiasts. By tapping into the international community of SMS.ac, Laesch is able to provide entertaining short films on the user's homepage for a small subscription fee billable to the user's mobile phone.

Laesch, an assistant in post production at New Line Cinema [http://www.newline.com/], originally moved to Hollywood from Bloomington, Illinois to pursue a career as an actor and writer. Realizing that he did not want to endure the Hollywood process for actors, he found his niche in writing and making films.

Webcam Murder Series was filmed when Laesch and his roommates where forced to stay indoors by a four day rainstorm. "I was living in a house with a few of my friends from college, basically a year after graduation. It kind of became the new 'frat house', so random stuff like filming a series ensued quite a bit," explains Laesch. His sense of humor and his films are "pretty sarcastic, goofy, and a bit random," says Laesch.

"SMS.AC has increased the number of people who have seen my stuff already, and it's just getting started. People from all over the world have commented on my videos thanks to SMS.ac."

For more information, contact Kathee Austin at 1-480-998-0246 or visit SMS.ac's website at http://www.sms.ac/.

About Laesch: Laesch's first novel, "The Verge of Psychosis" is being published in 2007 and is loosely based off of his experiences while trying to be discovered in Hollywood.
About SMS.ac: SMS.ac is the world's largest mobile community and marketplace, meshing together a growing, interactive society of 50 million members in 180+ countries with hundreds of mobile operators to create a global wireless communications network for the exchange of information, products and services.

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Check Out My Interview on Mr. Joe Blog's Blog

I know that a lot of you are probably at work, right now, while reading this. Well stop. Stop work. This is way more important...

I was "interviewed" by the good folks at Mr. Joe Blog's Blog. Actually, the interview was supposed to be about YouTubeRoast.com, but I turned it into a personal promotion, because...well...do you see this honkee gettin' any younger? Shooooottttttt.

Check out the interview here.

Here is one of my favorites from the interview (Gosh...I'm such a genius. Everybody else is so dumb!):

What do people commonly say about your site?
They say it's "funny." They say it's "cool." They say it's,
"One of the best websites since former President Richard Nixon ran his own personal blog during the Watergate scandal." Most people don't know that "Deep Throat" started as a screename.

I've Decided to Outsource My Blog to India

NOTE: Originally posted June 9, 2006 on DrunkBlogger.com.

A lot of you (3 people) have probably been wondering why I haven’t been writing as many blogs. (Especially when I’m trapped, working in a cage every night and have plenty of time to write.)

Well the truth (that I made up) is, I’ve outsourced my blogs to India and the turnaround is not very quick. I thought outsourcing my blogs to India would be more cost effective, but it turns out that wit doesn’t translate very well. Also, apparently they are confused because instead of e-mailing me the blogs when they are done, they print them up and send them snail mail style. (I’m going to start saying snail mail style. Not because it’s cool. Because it’s lame.) It takes the blogs 2 weeks to arrive, and by the time they do, the pop culture subjects I gave them to write about are yesterday’s news. Or actually, should I say, 2 weeks ago’s news. HAHA, LOL,ROTFL,LMAO,HEHE,TEHEHE,HAHA,LOL.

The other problem is, they don’t even attempt to write them when they are drunk and pissed off. Unbelievable.

Anyway, the point is, outsourcing sucks. Now, they are going to outsource Drive-Thru windows at some McDonald’s? This totally sucks. What am I going to do when I’m driving home from work at 3:00 AM PST and I want fast food? I mean, sure, I’ll still be able to buy it, but I won’t get the opportunity to look at somebody who has an even worse job than me and be reminded of how awesome…I mean, lucky I am.

So I think I’m going to stop outsourcing my blogs and start writing them again. Don’t get me wrong, Sanjay did his best and he was a hard-worker, but it’s tough to match my skill (ways of finding creative solutions for boredom at work). Thanks again Sanjay but sorry, I’m tired of reading blogs entitled:

“How Is It About K-Fed, You Hear? By Brian Larsche”

Brian Laesch once was told that he may be able to be a regular contributor to some kind of publication or something. The person was high though and didn’t remember saying it the next day.

The Night I Became Stone Cold Brian Laesch

NOTE: Originally posted June 18, 2006 on DrunkBlogger.com.

I’m not talking about wrestlers either. With douchebags all up in my atmosphere I “partied” at the Standard on Sunset. Maybe I’m too old for this shit now but it was about as fun as trying to pick up girls on Myspace. A big part of my lack of enjoyment (wasn’t that an awesome, wordy expression?) came from the company I was keeping, dancing like Backstreet Boys and ruining all game by having none themselves. Not to mention, a business connection was almost lost due to bad jokes about midget porn almost drowning out the “real talk” I was giving to a girl who I overheard designs websites and knows some writers. Luckily, she saw through the bullshit. I know what Jay-Z means now when he says “real talk” as well. Because there isn’t much going on in Hollywood, especially where I was tonight.

So…what did I do? I did what I always do in these situations - drink by myself, leaning against the wall, thinking way too much (but I can’t control it), talk to a few girls who pass by (but don’t really try too hard or really care) and wait to leave. Then, as we were getting ready to go to an afterhours club with some girls who were actually attractive (but we would be paying for), I did the second thing I tend to do - walk off by myself, without telling anybody and start walking home. I’ve actually logged a lot of miles walking home drunk by myself in the past few years. It clears my head…kind of.

So that brings me to now…the pathetic ending to a day I spent drinking, all day. This is why I’m the drunk blogger. Somehow, I can still do this shit, even though I’ve been drinking literally all day. Shit, actually, over 24 hours since I went out last night too. So here is my night, tons of potential, I’m disinterested, knowing I’m not in the right place in my life, but also feeling good, knowing I’m working on getting there. I’m so over Hollywood, it’s not even funny. It makes me lose my mojo and as soon as I go out of town, I become myself again. I can talk to girls with interest and “follow through.” I can smile without trying really hard, naturally. I can breathe.
So this is my night. The night I became Stone Cold Brian Laesch - whatever that is. Feeling nothing because reality is hard to come by in this town. Which is another reason I know I will make it. Because the genuine ones usually do. And I’m one of them, even with this Stone Cold personna. My party days are over. My celebration days are coming. And everybody can kiss my ass.

Also, Cold Stone Creamery makes really good ice cream, but not as good as Laesch Dairy.

Brian Laesch A.K.A. Drunk Blogger is actually drunk during the writing of this blog. Also, he writes for the LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Miami Herald and New York Times.

You Might Be On The Flight From Hell If...

NOTE: Originally posted on July 10, 2006 on DrunkBlogger.com.

For this blog, imagine that I’m doing a really bad Jeff Foxworthy impression (I’m not a Jeff Foxworthy fan. I mean, he’s alright, but come on - I’m too pimp for that shit.):
You might be on the flight from hell if….

1. You get 1 hour of sleep, arriving at the airport in Indianapolis at 7:00 AM
for your 8:00 AM flight.
2. You board your 8:00 AM flight, already feeling
pretty miserable at 7:45 AM.
3. You arrive at your seat to find that your
window seat request has not been granted and you are sitting bitch.
4. You
sit, very crowded in the middle seat, falling in and out of sleep, for an hour,
until the pilot makes an announcement.
5. The airplane did not undergo
maintenance the night before. There is a problem with the engine and it is
mysteriously leaking. Everybody please exit the plane and return to the gate for
further instructions.
6. After about an hour, falling in and out of sleep
again, and not knowing what’s going on, you find out that they have found the
part of the plane that they need to replace locally in Indianapolis and it
should be fixed and ready to go by 12:30 PM.
7. You get $25 flight vouchers,
$10 for food in the airport and finally board the same plane again at 12:30
PM. Besides the uneasy feeling of boarding the same plane that had engine
trouble - everything is now fine. The flight from Hell is over…or is
it?
8. You get seated in the same middle seat, even though you are
the biggest person in the row. But not only that…you get seated next to
the worst 3rd Grader who has ever lived (who was traveling by himself).

Alright, let’s drop this Jeff Foxworthy format for the rest of the story. (As if it was really working. As if you were really buying it and as if you had even thought about it past the first line of this blog.) Have you ever met a kid that is so bad, that you really want to fight, his parents (since you can’t beat up a little kid of course…even though it may have been the best remedy for this kid)?

This kid started with the usual annoying-kid-on-flight antics: talking a lot, playing Gameboy and asking the guy on my left questions about the game every 2 seconds and of course, asking every 5 minutes, “How long have we been in the air?”

That kind of stuff is granted. You can’t blame a kid for being a kid. But…after that, it pretty much turned to psychosis. This kid is a future criminal.

He started talking about how much he likes violence and how it was his middle name. He referred to video games and how much he likes killing people in them. Randomly througout the flight, he would talk about plane crashes and plane crashes in his flight simulation games and how much blood would be spilled from the passengers during the crashes. I’m not making this stuff up. This kid was insane. I don’t need to see the remake of “Omen.” It was sitting right next to me.

He continued to talk about other things he did in his video games…stuff that is so bad, I won’t even mention it in this blog in fear of getting tracked down by the government. Let’s just say, he mentioned “explosives,” (no seriously, I’m not using the “b” word and getting arrested by Homeland Security) Washington, D.C. and a certain leader of our country all in the same story about his video game and what he did with his bomber plane. The kid was nuts and only in 3rd grade. There is a lot more he said but it was a 4 hour flight. You get the point about Junior Manson. Had he been an adult saying this stuff on a plane, they would have landed, and he would be in jail.

He got crazier as the flight went on and I came to find out, via the flight attendant, that the kid was off his medication and was due for another dose. But when the flight attendant brought him water to take it, of course he didn’t, and just acted like he did. So I had to deal with the kid who went from annoying to criminally psychotic in a matter of hours. By this time he kept showing off his boxing and kickboxing moves, fighting the air, talking about how much he likes to fight at school and how he told his teacher to “fuck off” when she reached for the phone to call the principal…and how she supposedly listened to him because she didn’t want to mess with him.
To top it all off, as we landed, he chanted, “Crash! Crash! Crash!” and talked about how we weren’t really “that high up,” and that since he got 6 stitches around his eye and didn’t go blind, he was pretty sure that he could survive a plane crash.

Insane.

After all of this, I had to take an hour shuttle to where my car was parked.
What was supposed to be a 9:25 AM arrival in LA for me turned intoa 4:20 PM arrival…just in time to get ready for work.

So all in all, I think you can tell how shitty my travel experience was. Also, you might be a redneck if your family tree doesn’t fork. Somehow, I believe in my heart, that this whole blog and it’s Jeff Foxworthy theme ties in together and makes sense. And because of that fact…I’m going to hit the “publish” button…and I’m going to hit the “publish” button right…now.

Drunk Blogger, the nonsensical version of Brian Laesch that makes more sense than regular Brian Laesch.

"The Good Shepherd" Ruins My Christmas

Gosh damn it did that suck!

After a great Christmas morning and afternoon in West Palm Beach, FL, my family and I realized that it had been a pretty quick Christmas, as far as Christmases go in our family, so we all decided to be like, unprecendeted and see an evening movie.

Our Top 3 choices (that none of us had seen)? The Good Shepherd, Rocky Balboa, Pursuit of Happyness.

The vote winner? The Good Shepherd.

The result? Horrible.

What a piece of shit that ended up being. "The Godfather of CIA movies"? WTF??? More like the "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot of CIA movies." Actually...not even that good.

I'm pissed too because I was really, really excited about this movie. It takes a lot to get me excited about a movie, solely based off a trailer, and this one had accomplished it. Now, I see the trailer on TV and get pissed off that anybody could try to sell this movie the way they are and sleep at night. The only thing this film had to do with The Godfather is Robert De Niro and he was hardly in the film. He just directed it...unfortunately. (Sorry Bob, still a fan though.)

I'm not even going to get into the negative light this film paints the CIA in, or the fact that Matt Damon basically gets raped by Angelina Jolie in it, or the fact that the story isn't really even based on facts at all.

But I will give you a breakdown of the performances of all the BIG STARS in this film. They sell this thing as a star-studded blockbuster, yet half of the people they show in the trailer are barely in the film. And let's get this straight, nobody "stars" in this film. So without giving away the "plot" (I guess there is one.), here we go:

Robert De Niro: Directs the film and plays the role of some CIA dude in a wheelchair. He's barely in the film and doesn't seem to even fit the role. His role in "Meet The Parents" was way better.

Joe Pesci: Joe Pesci appears in this film for exactly 2 seconds and says the word "nigger," for no apparent reason, except to maybe feed off of some of the media buzz Michael Richards got. His character seemed like he could have been the most interesting in the film, yet I have no idea who he even is. Oh yeah, and he's Italian. It's a stretch.

Alec Baldwin: ??? Oh yeah...he was in the film. He plays an FBI guy who shows up every once in a while and acts like Alec Baldwin.

William Hurt: Pretty good performance, but he plays a criminal in the CIA basically. Hollywood portraying government officials as criminals? No way! That's revolutionary.

Angelina Jolie: I guess her performance is pretty good, but it doesn't help the film and she rapes Matt Damon and gets pregnant.

Matt Damon: The lead. I guess a pretty good performance as well, but not entertaining and for somebody in the CIA, he sure seems to be lead around by everybody in the world by one of those kid leashes. He also performs in a play, dressed in drag and singing like a girl. He immediately receives an offer to join the infamous "Skull & Bones" fraternity in his dressing room afterwards. It reminded me of Team America. Also, him dressing up like a girl and singing has nothing to do with his character, at all, for the rest of the film. He acts like a librarian the rest of the film.

So yeah. It sucked--and I don't use that word lightly. Also, the actor who plays Matt Damon's son is a really creepy pants pee-er and I think is actually older than Matt Damon. Trust me--it will all make sense when you don't see it.

Check Out My Acting Debut in "Driving to Zigzigland"

First of all, sorry. I promise to get back to more real, Brian-Laesch-style blogs soon...but for now...here is another self-promotion.

Check out my performance in the new indie film, "Driving to Zigzigland," as the drunken soldier, Jake. It's by no means a leading role, but it is some good screen time and a pretty good performance on my part. (It was really hard to channel being drunk. I had to do a lot of research on how that works since I obviously had no idea.) I also consider it my first tangible acting gig that's worth anything. (I'm not playing the part of "scenery.") The funny thing is--we filmed this almost two years ago, and for all intensive purposes, I quit acting a year ago (besides the occasional commercial audition). But now, this film is about to hit the festival circuit and has even gotten some good press on Yahoo! News. Check it out.

So it's fun--which is all I ever wanted out of acting. I don't want an acting career, unless a writing career is attached to it. I'm not an actor...but I can act. So check it out. You can check it out on my IMDB profile as well and hopefully I'll get a clip of my scene up here soon. Happy Holidays everybody (and I promise I'll get back to writing some goofy, random, gangsta rap-influenced, mindless dribble soon).